I'm a very controlled person, but just these past 3 years maybe, I feel like I can't achieve what I want to be in life. Like I can't be the best at something anymore, kind of like I'm just drifting along. I feel like a wall-flower sometimes and that makes me feel out of control of my life. It's what I CAN'T do that makes me feel like I've lost control.

Out to Dry

So the sheet hangs,
doubled over at the stomache,
sick with the pang
of the wire at her belly,
like a white-washed wave
dangling
over the whispering winds
of chance and change.
Can you feel the cool cool breeze?
The cool cool breeze
plays in her eaves,
singing,
"sail away... sail away"

So she breathes
in and holds, rigidly
anticipating the let go,
and asks if the sun will still burn
tomorrow.
Tomorrow will give me change,
she says.
Tomorrow will bestow the spring;
it will decorate my plain lace
with purple imaginings
and woven dreams.
Tomorrow will swiftly cut this cord,
she says.

When will she learn
that it's not good enough
to just be -
anticipating
the thing
Tomorrow never brings,
the thing she's
never felt,
the warm bed she's
never dressed.
She doesn't know how to
change today.
The poor young thing is
learning the art of
catch and release,
learning that time drying
in the sun
doesn't mean living.
She's learning to come down,
like exhaling for the first time.

Hmm... this is a really interesting question because it's not something you would ever really think about. This might be a stupid memory, but I've always wondered why, out of all the moments in my childhood, I remember this. I remember simply waking up in the middle of the night when I heard my mom get up and I walked into the kitchen and saw her throwing away my pacifier because I had just gotten old enough to stop. Then I started crying because I didn't understand. It reminds me of when we were studying Freud in psychology class. It's probably because I have some oral fixation or something lol. I can't exactly figure out what this memory says about me.

Hmm... what should i say in my first blog here? Well, right now I'm thinking about that drama final that I'm not doing. Ehem, anyway. I'm glad I found this website so far because it seems to have a lot of really positive people on it, which inspires me to be the same way. I'm so tired of some of the highschool students who are already tired of life and completely drained. Not that I don't get that way sometimes, but I'd rather be inspired. Also, I would rather be valued more for what I believe in, not judged by what I look like or what I say.

Anyway, this weekend was pretty good for me. I went ice skating yesterday for Rachael's birthday party, and that was really fun (naturally). It felt really good to get out on the ice again because I really get a workout. I can't believe I used to train every day! Now, I do two laps around the rink and I have to stop and breathe. I'm so out of shape! But it felt really great to get a workout like that, even though my stomach was queasy afterward.
Then I spent the night at Rachael's house. I realized that I have some pretty great friends right now that look out for my best interests and want me to succeed. It's nice to feel that security.
So then today I kind of just hung out at home while it rained outside. The weather felt so nice today! We couldn't go anywhere in the car because something is wrong with it, so then my mom found a deck of cards and we played rummy, which is a game I haven't played since way before my grandpa died. We were playing and it reminded me of how I used to play cards with him all the time when I was little and he would make me laugh so hard I would fall out of my chair or pee my pants. Those were good times. Now that I think about it, he played cards the entire time I knew him. Even in his last years, he played solitare every day, over and over and over. I wish I had never stopped playing with him. It made me really sad to remember.

So, thoughts for today:

Don't always be afraid of pride, because it means having faith in yourself.
I regret the things I haven't done much more than anything I have done.

That's all for now.

P.S. (I miss Pop-pop)